There I was, innocently eating my lunch,
when along came Smacky Jones, who upon scanning the room, decided to sit
directly behind me. I don’t know
if Smacky Jones was his real name, but one thing I know for sure, he quickly broke
into my list of Top 5 noisiest eaters I’ve ever had the misfortune of
encountering.
I don’t know why the sound of other people
eating irritates me as much as it does, but it does. At least if people chew with their mouths closed, I can
tolerate them, but Smacky Jones was not a closed mouth chewer. No, Smacky Jones had apparently never
learned table manners at all, and almost appeared to be flaunting that fact. If Honey Boo Boo had a secret older
brother, so unrefined and unable to live up to the high etiquette standard of
that family, who if America even knew existed would bring shame upon Mama and
Sugar Bear, Smacky Jones would be that brother.
Bite after bite, sip after sip, the sounds
travelled, making it feel as though he was mere inches away from my ears. I was left helpless, unable to defend
myself against the sounds of chewing, and the gradual moistening of food in his
mouth. Each smack of his chops,
and each slurp of his lips caused my back to seize up tighter, my eyes cringing
in disgust.
I’m not a violent person, but I must admit,
thoughts of a Smacky Jones shaped hole after I threw him through the plate
glass window went through my head.
Alternatively, I would not have felt the least bit remorseful had a
large black ACME anvil fallen suddenly from the sky, landing directly on top of
his open-mouthed head, or if in his wild feeding frenzy, he unknowingly
ingested a large stick of dynamite, which upon exploding, left his mouth
saliva-free, unable to produce the noises that were bothering me so.
Alas this is not a cartoon, this is real
life, so I got up, and with a quick “Meep Meep!!”, left Smacky Jones to scarf
down the rest of his lunch, well beyond the range of my hearing.
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